Well, looks like I'm going to be on All Things Considered either tonight or tomorrow night. For lockpicking, of course.

[UPDATE: Audio will be available at 7! [link] ]

I was reading Banana Yoshimoto recently, and few things remind me of dA like her. It was here that ~OtherNews first suggested my writing style was reminiscent of Yoshimoto's. I immediately went out to purchase "Asleep," a collection of short stories. It was incredible. I was floored by her storytelling, but at the same time thought, distinctly, I can do this, I can write like this.

I started reading back through old journal entries. It's been an interesting 6 years. 6+ years. That's crazy in and of itself. I stayed up until 8am yesterday, puttering around the site, mostly. Did a critique for the first time in probably 3 years, maybe 4. Read a lot of old conversations, realized that despite a lot of changes over the years, at my core I have remained the same person for a long time. That was reassuring.

I bought a print subscription for *RocketShoes. Can't exactly remember how I found her work, but the first thing I saw was a painting of Beaker and Honeydew as the Medic and Heavy from TF2 respectively. I thought it was fantastic and bombed around the rest of her gallery.

I forgot that dA could be like that. It was nice.

I found out some happy things. I found out some sad things. All of my love goes out to ~La-Serpentia who lost her father this year.

Mine continues to live. And it is very strange, how stunned and guilty I feel when a friend's father passes. It has happened a few times over the last 5 years. These are people who have comforted and calmed me when I found out about my father's diagnosis. It seems very cruel.

I was also reminded of how many people I no longer have a means to connect with. I genuinely miss !somedrunkblackspoon and !vivus. Not to mention another dozen banned friends. And banning? Whatever. "dA can burn" I have said in the past, but as a means of communication, a singular means in the case of these old friends, it is devastating to see their accounts stripped so thoroughly.

It's a remarkable thing, reading these old journals and conversations and remembering things I would likely have forgotten forever otherwise, how many lessons there were to be relearned, and how many of them were being doled out by a younger, more excitable version of myself. The interesting thing about receiving the education I did (Theatre Conservatory) and applying what I learned there to every other aspect of my life whenever possible, is that what I took for very specific, literary-minded advice years ago carries a more universal importance. It's only now that I don't write, but occupy my time with design and locks, that other applications of this old information are accessible to me.

Writing will go somewhere between enlisting in the Navy and working at my old hospital in the list of my life. Something that I will always regret not doing and something that fulfilled me more than anything I've taken up since.

I still have a great deal of love for the people here. In one of the old conversations I was reading someone said "You throw that word around a lot," and I replied, "No, I throw that emotion around a lot."

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas (or just a really nice day, if you don't celebrate it) and a brilliant New Year.

As always, feel free to be in touch.

-Schuyler

So, between therapy, welbutrin, and a desire to get myself together, things have been brilliant lately. I'm about to move to a larger place with old friends that I love, am sorting out my bills (still further to go, much much much further, but headed in the right direction) and finally getting back into lockpicking.

Also, I have been, for the first time in maybe 6 years, clean shaven for a significant period of time.

To demonstrate both the lockpicking & lack of facial hair (and to let me brag a little) here is a link:

[link]

Hope the world is treating you all kindly. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm easy to find away from here, so if you ever want to, please do

OK - I used the highlights as a format. Go-Go-Gadget Year-In-Review!

* I used to be more fun than I am now

I actually realized this while reading my old dA journal entries a few months ago. Ridiculous things, concerts, couch surfing, passionate discourse, exciting facial hair, long distance relationships, short distance flings, etc.

I'm easier to be around now, though. I was a lot more fun, but at a much faster burn rate. I can help my friends now, be an active part of their lives and am getting closer to my family all the time. This doesn't mean I don't miss it, and missing it, I've let what little control I had over my life slip away trying to find it again. For the last year I have been on tilt, not sure how to recapture that, but desperate to. I felt like I had lost years, and in some ways I had. I lost friends and many of them weren't very interested in being found again.

I hadn't been living well for many years. A quick glance back here reveals plenty of evidence to support that. My signature at one point was "I've been homeless and penniless for too long, I need to start rebuilding and paying off some of these debts." This has been going on forever, I just never faced it. I had a lot of lows and often thought that they would be the bottom, I would begin working my way back up, etc. and then

* I was recently arrested

Nothing scary or violent or anything. It was much more the result of debt, lack of motivation to fix simple problems and a long history of bad decisions. I was running late to a meeting because I didn't wake up at a reasonable hour, decided to drive my car to work instead of taking public transportation. However, my license was suspended for failure to pay a pile of tickets and my car was uninspected and uninsured because I was supposed to junk it months earlier, but never managed to clean the car out. That's all I needed to do, just clean it, but instead I let it sit for months, occasionally using it despite the situation.

Well, on that particular day someone drove into my lane and I had to swerve to avoid him. We were both OK, I drove on, but was picked up about a half mile down the road. The cops called it "Driving with a suspended license" and "reckless endangerment" in fact the cop who saw the incident described me as "Driving on the sidewalk."

I was in a holding cell for a day, no big deal, mostly just boring. They released me on my own recognizance and set a trial date. I defended myself and had the Driving with a suspended license charge dismissed (I didn't ask for that, I, in fact, encouraged them to punish me however they saw fit for that because I very clearly did it) and was declared "Not Responsible" for the other criminal charge (reckless endangerment) and all of the civil charges that had been piled on top of it. They offered me probation, but I explained that I was avoiding a collision and after some back and forth the DA recommended I be held not responsible and we called it a day.

And then I started backsliding again. That was December - January.

* I'm in the sort of debt that brings weirdly aggressive collection tactics with it

"Dear Schuyler Towne:

So you are probably wondering why we just paid to overnight you this one sheet of paper. Honestly, it is because we have not been able to contact you for some time and need you to call us so we can help you..."

Isn't that the friendliest super-aggressive collections letter you've ever seen? I was actually kind of touched and I do look forward to paying off that particular debt, but I have a lot of them and I'm trying to get out of the most immediate ones first, and though they are at the point of overnighting me letters, they don't make the list at the moment.

* Won't be able to attend what has become one of the most important events in my life for the first time in 4 years

The Dutch Open. I've been improving consistently in my lockpicking, though I am in the midst of a downturn at the moment. Last year I beat the #2 lockpicker in the world during the head-to-head competitions. That doesn't make me the #2, not by a long shot, but it was still a hell of a thing. I came home and changed up my training, hoping to get to the finals this year. I've won the main event at the American Open the past 2 years running, but getting to the finals of the DO is one of the few things I genuinely strive for.

* Secluded myself from an incredible community of friends with little-to-no explanation (like you people don't know what that's like)

The locksport community. My magazine: [link] is stagnant, my interaction limited to occasional emails between people I know very loosely and dodged phone calls from good friends. I couldn't keep up the pace I had set for myself. I needed time out of the loop, just clark kenting it for a while and that's what I'm in the middle of. I know a couple of people understand and I hope they all will when I return. I still think about lockpicking constantly, I did a lockout this weekend while I was on a trip in upstate NY. I have never maintained a passion for anything like this and it hasn't faded just because I've pulled away from the mainstream community. It's hard, though and I hope they haven't given up on me, but it'll be a while yet before I return.

* Taking a pill twice a day

I had been trying to get myself to a doctor to discuss some problems for a while. My first doctor was bad. Plain and simple, he interfered in my ability to get the care I needed so I stopped going to him. The next was wonderful and immediately gave me a referral to a psychiatrist who I still meet with and the psychiatrist referred me to a therapist who I see every week now.

I am very lucky that I had just barely put this all in place before I was arrested. I was picked up on a Tuesday and had my 2nd appointment on the Thursday of the same week. (She asked "Has anything come up since last month that we should discuss?") My care quickly changed from disconcerting but relatively benign issues to a very straightforward look at the life I've been living.

It was extremely hard for me to make the leap to going onto medication and it was my choice, not something my doctor was trying to push. I discussed it with my family and close friends. I've long had a prejudice against psychological medication for a variety of reasons.

To be specific, I'm on Welbutrin now and as I mentioned the recently backsliding up above, we have just doubled my dose. I've acclimated to it well and it seems to be taking the edge off of some things. I find myself in spirals less often. Or if I find myself spiraling I can often change the situation, which is new for me.

* Questioned my relationship with alcohol.

I decided I'd stop drinking for a little while because, though I was rarely drunk, I had been drinking a lot for a long time and likely for the wrong reasons. After 4 or 5 day ones I managed a day two and eventually a day thirty five before I decided I was comfortable to start drinking again. I was sometimes shocked by how badly I wanted a drink during my break but it's done a lot for me. I'm lucky, we have alcoholics in the family tree, but I didn't have my first drink until I was 21, didn't get drunk until I was 22. I think my strict avoidance when I was younger has helped me keep it at arms length now.

* No relationship since my last update

Not entirely true. I had one brief relationship on a strict time line. It was healthy and healing and brings me relaxation even thinking about it now. But I am missing the dynamic of being in a relationship. Everything from the physical closeness to seeing things that remind you of the person you're with to having someone to come home to. I've never been this hesitant to date, to meet people to pursue someone. I'm out of shape and out of practice.

* Never been better.

It's true. This is going to be a long, hard year, but I am so lucky. If I hadn't managed to get my therapy together before the arrest I'm sure I would just be headed for a deeper, more catastrophic bottom. I'm slowly socializing more, remembering how happy meeting new people makes me, trusting those who are already close to me more and getting to know my family in a new way. I'm digging out, I have so many advantages that so many people don't have. I have to live up to the people who have caught me, cared for me and taught me. For the first time in my life I feel like I will.

There is more, of course, it's been a whole year. Remember how I've always found the idea of rebuilding your life to be very romantic and such? Well, here I go again!

I'm easy to find elsewhere. "Schuyler Towne" in Google hunts me down in a heartbeat. There aren't many of me. Of course I'll hang for a few days to catch up with folks and haze the new lit GDs.

Annnnnnnnd - I'll be sure to update next year too

Seems like the message center is kind of screwed up, no?

It keeps lying to me about the messages I have / not giving me access to messages I haven't yet responded to.

So life has been interesting.

1: The lockpicking has kept up. I won a black badge at last year's DEFCON & nearly made the semis of the Dutch Open. I haven't been practicing enough lately, though.

2: My girlfriend left me a couple of weeks ago. This was a hard one & came as a complete surprise. I had been spending a lot of my free time imagining the rest of our lives together, starting to plan an elaborate proposal, that sort of thing. Completely threw me for a loop. A financial one as well. We lived together, so suddenly I had to come up with first / last & security & then the car we bought together died so I'm desperately trying to replace that. In the meanwhile I still owe $2500 on it. Balls. (edit: Also just found out that I won't be able to get the title released to me until I've paid it off, thus, I will not be able to sell it until it's completely paid off. Double Balls )

3: Though, this should help: [link] Note that the money hasn't come in yet (I won 13k in cash and 1k in GPS equipment) and when it does a chunk of it is going to my ex (She's the one who got us an audition / callback & originally paid for our flight/hotel)

4: I'm a graphic designer now. Big into typography and vector art. Who would have guessed? Work is very stressful at the moment. Not enough time in the day, no matter how early I come in or how late I stay.

5: I've taken up curling. My rink (team) went undefeated in our league last season, so we're getting our names on a cup.

6: I'm tired.

7: I didn't come here because I was looking to do something worthwhile. I came here because I've been disconnected from large portions of my life for the past year and a half. I was happy to have been, I was involved in something wonderful and it made perfect sense to award it my full attention. But now I'm retracing my steps. I have plenty that fills my days and lots to look forward to, but I do want to see how all the things I have known have progressed.

progress progress progress

So, looks like about 90% of the people I love around here are banned / stripped of senior member status.