OK - I used the highlights as a format. Go-Go-Gadget Year-In-Review!

* I used to be more fun than I am now

I actually realized this while reading my old dA journal entries a few months ago. Ridiculous things, concerts, couch surfing, passionate discourse, exciting facial hair, long distance relationships, short distance flings, etc.

I'm easier to be around now, though. I was a lot more fun, but at a much faster burn rate. I can help my friends now, be an active part of their lives and am getting closer to my family all the time. This doesn't mean I don't miss it, and missing it, I've let what little control I had over my life slip away trying to find it again. For the last year I have been on tilt, not sure how to recapture that, but desperate to. I felt like I had lost years, and in some ways I had. I lost friends and many of them weren't very interested in being found again.

I hadn't been living well for many years. A quick glance back here reveals plenty of evidence to support that. My signature at one point was "I've been homeless and penniless for too long, I need to start rebuilding and paying off some of these debts." This has been going on forever, I just never faced it. I had a lot of lows and often thought that they would be the bottom, I would begin working my way back up, etc. and then

* I was recently arrested

Nothing scary or violent or anything. It was much more the result of debt, lack of motivation to fix simple problems and a long history of bad decisions. I was running late to a meeting because I didn't wake up at a reasonable hour, decided to drive my car to work instead of taking public transportation. However, my license was suspended for failure to pay a pile of tickets and my car was uninspected and uninsured because I was supposed to junk it months earlier, but never managed to clean the car out. That's all I needed to do, just clean it, but instead I let it sit for months, occasionally using it despite the situation.

Well, on that particular day someone drove into my lane and I had to swerve to avoid him. We were both OK, I drove on, but was picked up about a half mile down the road. The cops called it "Driving with a suspended license" and "reckless endangerment" in fact the cop who saw the incident described me as "Driving on the sidewalk."

I was in a holding cell for a day, no big deal, mostly just boring. They released me on my own recognizance and set a trial date. I defended myself and had the Driving with a suspended license charge dismissed (I didn't ask for that, I, in fact, encouraged them to punish me however they saw fit for that because I very clearly did it) and was declared "Not Responsible" for the other criminal charge (reckless endangerment) and all of the civil charges that had been piled on top of it. They offered me probation, but I explained that I was avoiding a collision and after some back and forth the DA recommended I be held not responsible and we called it a day.

And then I started backsliding again. That was December - January.

* I'm in the sort of debt that brings weirdly aggressive collection tactics with it

"Dear Schuyler Towne:

So you are probably wondering why we just paid to overnight you this one sheet of paper. Honestly, it is because we have not been able to contact you for some time and need you to call us so we can help you..."

Isn't that the friendliest super-aggressive collections letter you've ever seen? I was actually kind of touched and I do look forward to paying off that particular debt, but I have a lot of them and I'm trying to get out of the most immediate ones first, and though they are at the point of overnighting me letters, they don't make the list at the moment.

* Won't be able to attend what has become one of the most important events in my life for the first time in 4 years

The Dutch Open. I've been improving consistently in my lockpicking, though I am in the midst of a downturn at the moment. Last year I beat the #2 lockpicker in the world during the head-to-head competitions. That doesn't make me the #2, not by a long shot, but it was still a hell of a thing. I came home and changed up my training, hoping to get to the finals this year. I've won the main event at the American Open the past 2 years running, but getting to the finals of the DO is one of the few things I genuinely strive for.

* Secluded myself from an incredible community of friends with little-to-no explanation (like you people don't know what that's like)

The locksport community. My magazine: [link] is stagnant, my interaction limited to occasional emails between people I know very loosely and dodged phone calls from good friends. I couldn't keep up the pace I had set for myself. I needed time out of the loop, just clark kenting it for a while and that's what I'm in the middle of. I know a couple of people understand and I hope they all will when I return. I still think about lockpicking constantly, I did a lockout this weekend while I was on a trip in upstate NY. I have never maintained a passion for anything like this and it hasn't faded just because I've pulled away from the mainstream community. It's hard, though and I hope they haven't given up on me, but it'll be a while yet before I return.

* Taking a pill twice a day

I had been trying to get myself to a doctor to discuss some problems for a while. My first doctor was bad. Plain and simple, he interfered in my ability to get the care I needed so I stopped going to him. The next was wonderful and immediately gave me a referral to a psychiatrist who I still meet with and the psychiatrist referred me to a therapist who I see every week now.

I am very lucky that I had just barely put this all in place before I was arrested. I was picked up on a Tuesday and had my 2nd appointment on the Thursday of the same week. (She asked "Has anything come up since last month that we should discuss?") My care quickly changed from disconcerting but relatively benign issues to a very straightforward look at the life I've been living.

It was extremely hard for me to make the leap to going onto medication and it was my choice, not something my doctor was trying to push. I discussed it with my family and close friends. I've long had a prejudice against psychological medication for a variety of reasons.

To be specific, I'm on Welbutrin now and as I mentioned the recently backsliding up above, we have just doubled my dose. I've acclimated to it well and it seems to be taking the edge off of some things. I find myself in spirals less often. Or if I find myself spiraling I can often change the situation, which is new for me.

* Questioned my relationship with alcohol.

I decided I'd stop drinking for a little while because, though I was rarely drunk, I had been drinking a lot for a long time and likely for the wrong reasons. After 4 or 5 day ones I managed a day two and eventually a day thirty five before I decided I was comfortable to start drinking again. I was sometimes shocked by how badly I wanted a drink during my break but it's done a lot for me. I'm lucky, we have alcoholics in the family tree, but I didn't have my first drink until I was 21, didn't get drunk until I was 22. I think my strict avoidance when I was younger has helped me keep it at arms length now.

* No relationship since my last update

Not entirely true. I had one brief relationship on a strict time line. It was healthy and healing and brings me relaxation even thinking about it now. But I am missing the dynamic of being in a relationship. Everything from the physical closeness to seeing things that remind you of the person you're with to having someone to come home to. I've never been this hesitant to date, to meet people to pursue someone. I'm out of shape and out of practice.

* Never been better.

It's true. This is going to be a long, hard year, but I am so lucky. If I hadn't managed to get my therapy together before the arrest I'm sure I would just be headed for a deeper, more catastrophic bottom. I'm slowly socializing more, remembering how happy meeting new people makes me, trusting those who are already close to me more and getting to know my family in a new way. I'm digging out, I have so many advantages that so many people don't have. I have to live up to the people who have caught me, cared for me and taught me. For the first time in my life I feel like I will.

There is more, of course, it's been a whole year. Remember how I've always found the idea of rebuilding your life to be very romantic and such? Well, here I go again!

I'm easy to find elsewhere. "Schuyler Towne" in Google hunts me down in a heartbeat. There aren't many of me. Of course I'll hang for a few days to catch up with folks and haze the new lit GDs.

Annnnnnnnd - I'll be sure to update next year too